How to Help Someone with Depression: A Guide for Supportive Friends and Family

How can I help someone with depression?

When a loved one suffers from a mental health condition like depression, it can feel like they are there physically, but are emotionally inaccessible. This can be a confusing experience, and as a witness to the distress, one may feel helpless. When it comes to helping someone with depression, the first thing to do is to recognise the signs. If you suspect a loved one is

Understanding depression in a friend or family member

Although depression is associated with persistent feelings of sadness, it can be more than that. Depression is a mood disorder in which one experiences a low mood that doesn’t seem to get better even if something uplifting happens. One may experience changes in sleep patterns and appetite. A common but often overlooked sign of depression is irritable mood. One may also experience a loss of interest in activities.

According to the World Health Organisation, one in 20 Indians suffer from depression. Globally, one in approximately 280 million individuals are diagnosed with depression, with women being more often diagnosed than men.

While sadness is often a dominant feature of depression, this sadness is different from normal or healthy sadness that all of us feel at some point in our lives.

The key difference is that in depression, the sadness is persistent and doesn’t reduce even when something uplifting or positive happens. For an individual with depression, the sadness has no specific trigger, and talking to a friend or venting doesn’t offer the same amount of relief that it does for “normal sadness”.

Recognizing depression symptoms in a loved one

Recognising signs of depression in a loved one can be difficult. This is because in close relationships, it’s hard to be objective. Also, often, people with depression may mask their distress, which can make it seem as if they are doing fine when they are not.

Having said that, any changes in one’s energy level or mood that stay persistent for some time should draw your attention. Let’s look at some changes that can be signs of depression in a loved one:

Low mood that doesn’t seem to get better
Losing interest in things they enjoyed previously
Changes in appetite or sleep
Social withdrawal or avoidance behaviours
Irritability or anger outbursts

You may experience subtle changes in their behaviour such as, zoning out in conversations, snapping at you, not wanting to go out or engage in activities, losing appetite or over-sleeping. Regardless of the severity of the symptoms, if a loved one seems unhappy, it’s a good idea to see a psychotherapist or a counseling psychologist.

How to talk to someone about depression

It can be tricky responding to a loved one’s distress if you feel you don’t know how to support someone with depression. The best support you can offer someone is to give them space to talk if they want, and let them know you’re there for them.

As simple as this may sound, it can in fact be quite difficult to simply lend an accepting and compassionate ear. Conversation creates space to express and process difficult things, but it’s important to know what to say to someone who has depression, and more importantly, what not to say to someone with depression.

Start a conversation

Talking about one’s mental health can feel awkward and difficult. It’s important to set the right atmosphere for it. Meet the person where they are - where they feel safe and comfortable, emotionally as well as physically. Avoid talking about it when emotions are riding high and find a time of relative calm - this is when one is most receptive.

What you CAN say that helps:

I’m here if you want to talk - A simple, ‘I’m here if you want to talk’ can make someone feel at ease, and help them open up to you
What can I do to help? - Asking them what they need and how you can help can make them feel empowered and in charge of the interaction rather than feeling cornered
You’re not alone - While you may not understand what they are going through, you can let them know that they don’t have to feel alone in this, and that you’re here to suppor them in any way they need
What would you like to do today? - By asking them what they’d like to do (instead of if they’d like to do something), you’re urging them to think about what they desire at the moment. They might say, they just want to stay in bed. You can respond to that by saying, ‘Okay, we’ll stay in bed and watch a movie’. This gently nudges them to connect with you without forcing them to get out of their comfort zone too much
I love you and I care about you - When in the throes of depression, one may feel unwanted, unloved, unworthy or uncared for. Or, one may feel like a burden to others. Telling them you love them and care about them can make them feel seen and wanted.

What you should AVOID saying:

Snap out of it! - If only one could ‘snap out’ of depression, the world would be a simpler place! Not only this is an impossible ask, it can also seem dismissive and unempathetic.
Everyone gets sad - Yes, but depression is not simple everyday sadness.
What reason do you have to be depressed? - Often, there is no apparent reason for depression. Sometimes, the reason may seem too far-fetched, or it may seem like a small thing to you but may have been devastating to them. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that your loved one is depressed, and they need your support.
It’s because of your lifestyle - Maybe their lifestyle contributed to their depression, but saying this means nothing. It doesn’t offer comfort or empathy, and doesn’t motivate them to change. Keep in mind that while lifestyle issues like lack of work-life balance can be detrimental to mental health, often the individual has little choice over their circumstances.
I know how you feel - Don’t say this unless you’ve been clinically depressed. And if you have, instead of talking about your experience, offering them some help and connecting them with the right professionals might be more fruitful.

How to help

Beyond conversation, there are more ways you can help someone with depression. You can help them find the right professional, offer resources and tools they can use to manage their symptoms and support them through this journey by being present for them in times of need. Let’s look deeper into these-

Help them find support: Speak to a Mental Health Therapist

Finding professional support is necessary for the effective care of someone with depression. Depending on the severity of symptoms, one may need psychotherapy or a combination of psychotherapy and medication. A psychologist can provide therapy for depression, while a psychiatrist can manage medication.

If you don’t know where to look for a mental health professional, you can start your search on Mave Health’s Therapy Club.

Why is professional help important for managing depression?

Depression is a mood disorder which may be precipitated due to a complex interaction between biological and psychosocial factors. In India, there is a common misconception that talking to friends or family can treat depression. While emotional and social support is important for the management of depression, therapy is not that.

Depending on which treatment modality they follow, a mental health professional may catch automatic negative thoughts and help in reframing and restructuring them, understand the unconscious processes at play, and look at the influence of interpersonal stress on one’s mental health. Additionally, only a trained psychiatrist can assess the need for medication.

How can you encourage your loved one to seek therapy or counselling?

Despite the growing awareness of mental health issues in India, there’s still a lot of stigma around getting professional help. Because of this stigma, any conversation about mental health may become awkward and the person in need may resist help. Considering this, the first thing to do is to normalise seeking help for depression. Anyone, at any stage of life, can be in need of professional support, and going to therapy doesn’t mean one is “crazy” or “too weak”.

It’s important to debunk these ideas, and actively encourage someone to seek help. One way of doing this is to tell them that therapy is a space for them to talk about whatever’s on their mind, and that’s all. You can let them know that it’s not possible to be completely candid with loved ones, and having someone you can talk to without censoring yourself can be helpful.

What resources can you provide to help them find a suitable therapist?

You can direct them to Mave Health’s Therapy Club, where they can browse through profiles of multiple mental health professionals, and find someone suitable.

Talk about Neurostimulation and suggest tDCS for Depression

Another offering we have at Mave Health is our wearable device, ARC. This headgear delivers neurostimulation, specifically, transcranial direct current stimulation, or tDCS. tDCS is a non-invasive stimulation technique which delivers weak currents through the scalp, targetting specific areas of the brain that are involved in cognitive functioning. Although research is still ongoing, it is promising. Our device is safe for use, and users have reported feeling better in 21 days of daily use.

Supporting your loved one’s treatment

Caregivers have an important role to play in one’s recovery from depression. It is through supportive personal relationships that one becomes and stays well. Here are a few things to keep in mind when helping someone with depression:

Learn about depression on your own

It is not the depressed individual’s responsbility to educate you about depression. It is yours. We now live in an age where access to knowledge is just a few clicks and scrolls away. Make use of the internet, and read about depression. We have a series of articles on depression on our blog. If you’d like to talk to someone, you can book an appointment with a mental health professional and ask them to offer you some psychoeducation about depression.

Remember that while there is plenty of information out there about depression, each person’s experience of it is unique. Your best source for learning about depression may be the person who is experiencing it. Adopt a genuinely curious stance and ask them how they are feeling and coping.

Offer to help with everyday tasks

Depression can make it difficult to accomplish daily tasks like household chores and hygiene-keeping. Stepping up to help without making the other person feel inadequate or bad about themselves can be quite useful.

Extend loose invitations

One of the manifestations of depression is social withdrawal. The depressed individual may not want to go out or engage in social gatherings. But this can propel them further into isolation. Try to engage them in activities and interactions, but be flexible and compassionate if they choose not to show up. It’s also a good idea to ask them what they’d like to do instead of making them do something they’re not inclined to do.

Be patient

Remember that coping with depression and learning to manage it takes time. During this time, there may be difficult days. Stay patient and compassionate and keep the conversation going.

Stay in touch

If you don’t live with the person struggling with depression, try to stay in touch with them. Regularly checking in with them over a call or via text will let them know that you’re thinking of them, and this in itself can be useful.

Know the different forms depression can take

Depression doesn’t always show up as doom and gloom. Sometimes, a depressed individual may be irritable or angry. Sometimes, they may mask their depression behind sociable behaviour. Or, they may use substances to numb their suffering. Be open and observant, and regularly ask them how they’re doing instead of assuming.

Celebrating Small Wins

Acknowledge and celebrate the small wins along the way. For example, if they step out after a long time, or take the time to groom themselves, give them a compliment. If they accomplish a task they’d been finding difficult, congratulate them. Acknowledging the wins will make them feel seen and offer silent encouragement to keep going.

Encouraging Healthy Habits

Lifestyle management is a part of treatment of depression. With this in mind, it’s important to encourage healthy habits like sticking to a routine, sleep hygiene, healthy diet, regular exercise and so on. Perhaps these healthy habits can be incorporated in the time you spend together. For example, instead of going out to eat, you go for a walk in the park!

What to avoid

Being the caregiver can also be confusing. Since depression is not visible to the eye, it is easy to forget or misunderstand behaviour. When supporting a loved one with depression, here are a few things to avoid:

Taking things personally

If they don’t initiate plans or snap at you, try not to take it personally. Take a moment to calm yourself and address it with them with respect and compassion.

Trying to fix them

They don’t need “fixing”. They need your support and presence. If their symptoms concern you, you may raise your concerns with them but leave it to their mental healthcare providers to offer intervention or help.

Giving advice

Giving unsolicited advice to someone in distress can feel demeaning. Instead, approach them with a stance of curiosity and try to understand how they are doing and coping.

Minimizing or comparing their experience

Similarly, saying things like, ‘It’s not a big deal’, or, ‘You’re overreacting’ can cause further harm. Give space to feel their feelings without minimizing or dismissing them. Avoid comparisons with other people in similar situations who seem to be coping differently. Understand that everyone copes differently, and that’s okay.

Taking a stance on medication

You may or may not agree with taking medication for depression, but ultimately it’s the decision of the individual who’s been diagnosed with depression and their healthcare provider. In severe cases, medication can be necessary to help life the fog that depression creates.

Take care of yourself

Being in a caregiver role can be tiring. It’s important that you don’t get consumed by it, and also take care of your own self. Two ways you can do this are:

Set boundaries

Pay attention to your capacity to care, and set appropriate boundaries. This may mean making yourself unavailable for a couple of hours a day, or asking for help in caregiving when needed.

Practice self-care

Remember to fill your own cup regularly by practicing self-care and doing things that bring you joy and relaxation.

When it’s time to intervene: Stay alert for warning signs of suicide

In cases of severe depression, one may experience suicidal thoughts or ideation. The incidence of suicide in India has progressively been increasing over the last few decades. In 2022, 170 thousand Indians were reported to have died by suicide. This was a huge jump from 134 thousand in 2018.

If your loved one is suffering from depression, keep an eye out for the followng warning signs:

Talking about feeling like a burden on others
Talking about death or wanting to die
Feeling hopeless or trapped
Withdrawing from friends or other social or professional commitments
Wrapping up loose ties
Increased use of substances

If you’re concerned about suicidal thoughts or tendencies in a loved one, reach out to psychiatrist. If they are already in treatment, you may reach out to their healthcare provider. Alternatively you can call a suicide helpline for immediate support and assistance.

Conclusion

Depression is unlike normal sadness, and is a mental health disorder which doesn’t get better with positive changes in one’s life. It impacts one’s mood, energy levels, sleep, appetite and social relationships. While caregivers play an important role in providing support, it is crucial to get the right professional help.